Taking Aim At Bad Lingerie Gift Giving Advice (A Rantie)

I’ve written a lot of lingerie gift buying guides to help men (especially this holiday season), and I didn’t think I’d have to write any more, but…

When (yet another) Mike (from the U.S. — I asked!) what I thought of a certain “How To” article, I was compelled to discuss it. Because it made me so spitting mad!

I don’t want to even link to the article, but because I am ethical I will. Plus, I don’t want to be accused of making stuff up — some bozo already already made this stuff up and that’s the problem!

Now if you visit the link (and I rather hope you don’t — or at least don’t support the site or any of the sites lined to) you’ll see that this article is obviously a bit of marketing spam designed to promote a lingerie wholesaler. I’m not against marketing &/or promotion; but I am against bad marketing and promotion.

In this case, I’m not worried about ineffective marketing for a company or line — I’m peeved that some folks looking for help have been told a load of crap.

So let’s get right to my rantie.

The crappy marketer writes:

It’s better to give her something that’s a tad too tight rather than giving her lingerie that’s too loose.

Hell no! Lingerie, like most fashions, either fits or it doesn’t. And, as any stylist will tell you, a bit looser is better than “a tad too tight.”

If this bonehead is trying to get at the issue of being fearful of unintentionally insulting her fragile ego by giving her something too large, “he” didn’t say that. And that fear is poppycock, anyway. We women know brands are sized differently, that men can be hopeless in terms of shopping, and we aren’t so delicate that an inch or two one way or the other makes us think you hate us.

When it comes to sizing, we do want you to be realistic. Or be completely honest and admit that you don’t have a clue when you ask for our help or when you are caught peeping at the tags on the items in our drawers. We, the gift receivers, want this as sincerely as “we” the sales clerks. Something the person who typed up this tripe mentions:

Size: When you go to a lingerie shop, the sales clerk would surely roll her eyes at you when you gesture “She’s this big” or “this tall” when you’re asked about the size. Standing amidst all that frilly stuff is already scary enough, so don’t spend anymore time in there than you have to.

“Standing amidst all that frilly stuff” is scary?! *snort*

Listen, if you can’t purchase lingerie without passing-out or pooping your pants, you probably aren’t mature enough to have sex.

This frightened person also has this advice on determining your lady’s lingerie sizes:

If you don’t know her dress size, sneak into her underwear drawer and check on the label of the bra that she’s wearing. Look for something that shows a number followed by a letter, like 34C or 36B. You probably already know her height, so the only thing that you need is the size of panties she wears which can come in the standard small, medium or large.

Dress size does not equal bra size; height has nothing to do with panty size; and there’s nothing “standard” about any sizes, whether they be S,M,L etc. or numbered.

What

a pinhead.

How can this guy sell his wholesale lingerie if he doesn’t even know that stuff?

Sadly, he continues…

Style & color: If you want to splurge, you can buy two types of lingerie – one that you think she will buy for herself, and one that you will enjoy.

Your male tastes and our female tastes are not necessarily mutually exclusive properties. This whole attitude is so horribly stereotypical that it insults both men and women.

But it gets worse.

Don’t buy her something that you’ve seen the women in adult films wear – unless she has one of those things herself. Remember that the gift that you are buying is for her, not for you.

What does “one of those things” mean? An adult film? The sort of lingerie you’d find a woman wearing in one?

Honestly, dude, women enjoy adult films. We even admit it. And if your woman (who, by the way, I believe at this point is, if not purely an imaginary one, is as life-like as a sex doll) enjoys adult films, the lingerie featured in the films she likes is probably a really good clue as to the kind of lingerie she does like.

Taste is subjective, after all, so perhaps I should be nicer towards this guy in terms of what else he says about lingerie styles; but given what he’s already written, I simply cannot.

After figuring out her size, make sure that the style of the lingerie that you will give as a gift will complement her body type. Get her something that will hide problem areas like her tummy or her thighs.

OK, had the rest of the article been at all sane, I could let this go with just a tiny wince while reading; but he’s been completely insane and all this misinformation makes me so angry and sad that I have to comment. Or shout.


Just who has decided that her tummy or thighs are problem areas — or that she has any problem areas at all?!

It’s one thing to state this in terms of “if she’s confessed unhappiness with” blah-blah-blah. But this just smacks of the whines of an immature male seeking some sort of perfection that doesn’t exist.

As for the style, you can take your pick from bustiers, corsets, garter belts or bra and panty sets. Or, you can go for the sexier stuff like chemises, camisoles or baby doll gowns.

Um, I know I said style preferences were completely subjective, but are chemises really sexier than garter belts, bustiers and corsets? And the killer point — the site he’s hawking for really only sells bras! Sheesh. Way to talk your potential customer out of your own goods.

What

an idiot.

As for the color, black, white and red are the most popular options. You can also choose a color that will complement her skin tone or the color of her hair. Blondes, for example, will look great in pastel colors and black.

No other hair colors worthy of a mention. WTF.

And what is this ambiguous “black, white and red are the most popular options” business?

Those are the most offered lingerie colors, but does that really translate to help in finding what color your lady will love?

But then this “article” is anything but helpful.

Unless you are trying to take a number of men who are already concerned with how to appropriately give their lady lingerie and make their biggest nightmares come true.

The ladies who receive the lingerie too.

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