An Open Letter To "Lingerie Designer" Geren Lockhart Regarding Her Frankenstein-Monster Underpants

Dear Geren Lockhart, Founder and Creative Director of Geren Ford,

Please stop murdering lingerie.

While I’ll admit I know next to nothing about you or your line, I was appalled to see your “Hawks by Geren Ford Flutter Brief” at UrbanOutfitters.

You’ve taken a lovely bit of lingerie, the tap pant, and turned it into some boxy, baggy, polyester short. Seriously; it’s not as lovely as those jogging shorts we wore in the 70s. The rigid geometrically squared shape of those, at least, had the indecency to show exactly how not-square the female human hips and behind are. True, women may have looked a bit like sausages stuffed into those shorts, but, much like women in the 70’s wearing men’s vests, the whole point was to show how curvy and female you were. But you, with these “flutter briefs,” you’ve intentionally gone and pegged the round female form into a far-too-voluminous square-hole of baggy underpants.

In fact, the only way your “briefs” are indeed brief in any way, shape or form, is in the lack of fabric running north and south. I realize, to my continued dismay, that the rise of low-rise jeans meant placing high-rise panties and other lingerie pieces on life support — but what on earth possessed you into thinking women wanted anything to do with baggy boxer shorts left sagging — not fluttering — around their hips as they, in their attempts to stretch the least amount of elastic, ether threaten to fall off or, far worse, ride painfully up their crotches?

These things are an abomination. They are unflattering and uncomfortable; neither suitable for wearing beneath clothes by day or to sleep in by night.

You should apologize — immediately and publicly — for such horrors. And you ought to reconsider your career, if only to recommit to the idea of intimate apparel for women.

Slip of a Girl

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