Underwear In Your Hair

The October issue of Cosmo says putting your underwear on your own head is a “fun little trick guys love.” No, seriously. There’s a photo and everything.

“There are few things guys like more than long hair, women’s underwear, and sex. So combine all three!” and “Use your thong as a hair tie.”

There are so many things wrong with that philosophy of “combining things you love” — especially if sex is one of them — but I don’t have time to point it all out in detail because things get worse. Much worse.

From the large blue dot of info on page 183 of this issue of Cosmo:

If things are getting hot and heavy, stopping the action to go search for a ponytail holder will kill the mood. So instead, grab — or take off — your underwear. Simply fold the crotch up so that the thong forms an open circle, twist your hair into a low pony or bun, and use your panties like an elastic band to secure your locks.

WTF?! I shouldn’t have to explain the stupidity here, but…

1) Further evidence that the folks at Cosmo don’t really have sex — at least not good sex. Who the hell thinks about their hair during sex? (Unless you’ve got a weave to protect, I guess.) My hair only comes to mind in those “Ow, you’re on my hair,” moments. And even then, I’ll put up with a lot of scalp discomfort if the position is right for everything else. (Heck, I even like my hair pulled during doggie!)

2) Take off my underwear? I think my vintage full-coverage panties would be more, err, voluminous, than my hair. And I’m not going to risk my delicates, let alone my difficult to replace vintage lingerie, for my hair. Especially when I own actual ponytail holders — sheesh!

3) Take off my underwear — the same underwear I was wearing when things were hot & heavyand stick it in my hair?! Good lord, how will I ever get it out!

If things were truly hot and heavy, the crotch of my panties will be soaked — even a double mushroom gusset. And I can’t imagine the tiny wisp of thong crotch would fare any better.

Folding a wet crotch doesn’t mean a damn thing; wet fabric is wet fabric is wet fabric, no matter what folded side you’re holding. So I’m not sticking it near my hair where it will dry and adhere itself. Post endorphins, such hair pulling holds no delight.

All of this is more proof of what CR/LF says, “Don’t Listen To Cosmo! …Cosmo is a serialized, surrealist exploded erotic post-novel: it is the art of pornographic literature taken to its absurd extremes.”

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