"To be america’s most influential and innovative intimate apparel company"

Forgive me if I yawn.

Another company has decided they have the answers to all our lingerie needs. This time it’s Dirty Brands (who likes to use all caps when talking about itself).

On their “About Us” page they state the following:

Mission Statement:

* To be america’s most influential and innovative intimate apparel company
* To create and foster extraordinary relationships with our retail partners
* To be unstoppable in fulfilling company projects
* To inspire sex appeal in everyday life
* To contribute and make a difference in our community

I say they flunk — here’s my grading system:

– 5 points for not putting a capital ‘a’ on ‘america’ (which I could forgive, if the other problems didn’t exist)

– 35 points for non-existent originality when they make claims of innovation (yeah, the world’s been awaiting yet another one-size-fits-most french maid outfit in a bag)

+ 15 points for adding sizes (“Many of our customers complained that they wanted a size range rather than one size fits all, so our line now comes in small, medium, large, and extra large.”)

– 10 points for not showing size range in their product descriptions (hey, they boasted in March, they’ve had time to include such information)

– 10 points for quasi-sizing (small, medium, large and extra large are not lingerie sizes especially when it comes to bras and garments which, supposedly, cover the breasts)

+ 10 points for boxing lingerie (which I really hate) because it fits their target market of adult stores carrying lingerie for their cheap and crusty customers who are likely the only ones who want to buy this cheesy crap (part of fostering “extraordinary relationships with our retail partners”)

– 35 points for taking said “innovation” (which I do not see) to “inspire sex appeal in everyday life” with ‘designs’ which are not for everyday, but rather are costumes for slutty nights straight out of porn films (fishnet is not an ‘everyday’ garment; stripper clothes are not part of ‘everyday life’ even for strippers — they are work uniforms or costumes; “bikini triangle top” is not something a woman can wear on a daily basis as they are not bras — need I go on?)

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